Taking the Purple Line to Africa
Who knew a song covered by Weezer could trigger immense reflection? Not me!
Its been a while.
During this break I realized a lot of my non-news writing comes primarily from my past traumas and ill being. That's probably healthy and not healthy simultaneously. Will there be more, consistent content? Who knows. Winter is upon us though so that seasonal depression may hit different.
Regardless, what brought me back to type out more sad girl sorrows was hearing the Weezer cover of "Africa" off of their meme album, "The Teal Album" in 2019.
Stay with me, here. I swear to God we navigate away from this.
Driving down the I-90 at one in the morning on today, this aforementioned song that filled the social media meme quota for the entirety of 2019, found logged memories stored away on floppy discs in my head.
Certain items found on them include:
-An 1930s looking smoking pipe with tobacco stuffed into it; lingering smell of smoky poison wafting through a small apartment right outside of the city limits.
-A moderately expensive bottle of sparkling white wine. Popped in a quiet winter celebration of personal growth with one another.
-The film "The Fly" molting on TV, in an attempt to show one another the most "outrageous" horror flick we enjoyed with the street lights illuminated the dull, white room.
-A certifiable cool kid leather jacket with the aroma of the material working as aromatherapy when it wrapped around me.
Listening to predominantly 80s music and old-style country music meant neither of our music tastes crossed over. Meaning; none of my favorite songs would be tainted in past mistakes that all these whiny dudes screech about. But in 2019, the one song that became a large musical meme was Toto's "Africa."
Of course, that's the song that boy scout knots this together.
To be blunt: it didn't end badly. It was mutual. Yet did I process and handle it ending gracefully? Nope.
Everyone almost everyday deals with rejection. It's pretty normal. For myself, it's a sign of absolute failure. Racing, reoccurring thoughts of what I have done wrong, what could I have changed, if my face was the reason they decided to turn away; was my voice too annoying? Perhaps it was my confused, angry unemployed college grad phase? No, they were very open and supportive, but it must've been something only I, myself could have committed to result in this ending sequence!
It wasn't any of that. It was moreover that we were both starting our professional lives. Plus, while we had pretty much the definition of a "whirlwind romance" over three whole months, where I essentially lived at his 4-6 days out of the week at his apartment down the way from the purple line for that time, it wasn't something self sustaining. To make myself feel better I repeated the good 'ol "wrong place, wrong time" mantra to subside the negative self rhetoric, yet it wasn't.
In the end, we wouldn't have worked out in a productive, sustaining way.
One red flag was he told me that as he started to trip on some psychedelic a year or so prior, he began telling his friend how "great capitalism is."
Big Hell no for me, my guy.
Another could have been his best friend deeming me: “just another, basic emo chick.”
Besides that, our end goals for work varied.
Same with how we viewed professional outlooks, style and a lot more that in those honeymoon moments, I let fall into the shimmery lake. The learning experience from this began to form. He wanted me to wear high heels which I never could (still can't) walk in for future events he would possibly attend due to his career. We attempted this when we went to Art After Dark; once it ended I stood in pain in clunky suede, studded heels while saying to him: "you either carry me to the red line to get midnight dim sum or we're getting an Uber."
Those shoes still reside under my bed. For whenever the next big event I'll need to pull a Cinderella stepsister act for.
The dim sum afterwards was great, by the way.
There's nothing negative I can say about him. While only listening to 80s music (which is the decade I least enjoy) and country-western tunes was a thumbs down, the respect, caring and genuine emotional connection given, showcased to me what a healthy, mutual, consensual relationship in adulthood should be like. It had always been a fallacy for me; an object only tangible in dark faerie tales which cost a hefty price.
Analyzing my actions during this time, well, I cringe. I was dumb, in the first relationship since I had left a manipulative, toxic seven year stronghold and didn't understand how to properly format, process the new situation I was in. For that, I acknowledge and apologize for my disconnected behavior. Through learning interactions like this partnered with lots of therapy, the reflection is similar to Christina Aguilera asking when it'll show my internal self.
What's funny is the lack of social media meme trends this person wasn't up to date on. One night I joked about how "Africa" by Toto was my song of the moment. He said he really liked the band and put on their discography on Spotify to set a mood. The mood ended up being hilariously endearing.
A rendezvous a few years in the making, condensed into short term leases in heads and hearts. Generating positively charged reactions upon recongition of nostalgia.